It is spring here in the UK. It seems to have been a very, very long winter. I feel like a hibernating creature, finally waking up after a long winter's sleep and wandering blinking into the warm spring sunshine, soaking it up hungrily.
My journey with Michael has been the same,with the dark, dark blackness of the despair of his death and the awfulness of the circumstances surrounding it enveloping me, like a thick heavy coat, for months. It has acted like a sort of barrier - with the ordinariness of the outside world, seeming miles away from the strange life that was Michael Jackson's. It was a Pandora's Box, which I and many of my fellow fans opened to be greeted by conspiracy after conspiracy. The more you delved the more it sucked you in. There were things that you know you shouldn't really look at - The Autopsy Report - but were compelled to do so, only to be left reeling with nightmares for days after!! Then there was the constant gnawing anger and frustration of the futility of it all!! Especially living a gazillion miles away in the UK. Many of us have become nocturnal creatures, since the only time we can (as working wives and mothers) justifiably spend anytime at our laptops or computers is once the rest of the family is tucked up safely in bed!! Also communication with our American cousins is only really possible (especially with the Californian ones) after about 9pm at night - they are 9hrs behind us. So many nights have I crawled into bed at 2/3am in the morning!! Many have been turned into these nocturnal creatures owing to the constant nightmares and sheer despair that leave them unable to sleep!! I cannot help but find this so ironic, that here was our Idol who suffered dreadfully from a chronic sleep disorder, which ultimately killed him. Leaving the majority of his fans suffering the same!
I despair at our despair, since it is so difficult to get near family let alone the world to understand the mental torture we go through. As I write this it is the waiting which is affecting most of us....We try desperately to use our time wisely signing a petition here, writing a letter there and attending rallies. Because most of us feel so removed from our nearest and dearest, we crave the company of other fans, to be able to feel 'normal' again and speak to people who understand what we are going through and what we are talking about!! I have Skype installed on my laptop which enables me to talk to fellow fans around the world and it never ceases to amaze me!! The most frustrating thing is that we have no answers to a lot of questions, we may get some through the trial but I am not holding my breath. All this makes finding some sort of closure so, so difficult. There are times when I feel totally and utterly drained by it all and certainly in the darkest days felt like I was on some sort of conveyor belt, unable to get off and unsure as to what the final destination would be!
However, it is strange as we turned the corner from winter into spring so I feel that Michael is slowly leaving me...I can only describe it as looking at him through the wrong end of a telescope. I still love the very bones of the man and still will fight till the bitter end to get justice for him and the children, but like that hibernating animal I feel that I am finally coming back blinking into the sunshine of the real world. This Saturday (for the first time in a long while) I spent a whole day away from the laptop!! I distinctly remember listening to one of Cherokee Billies talks with Michael, when Michael stated that after a while he wouldnt be so easily contactable by herself and other Spiritualists since he would be moving away!! That did make me sad, saying that I feel that that is what is happening here with me, he is moving on!!!
My own life is a mess just now and I fee.l that Michael is telling me that it is time to sort it out!! I have done all I can for him!! My children need their Mum back and I need to sort things out with my husband and move on!! I need to find a 'proper job'.
The summer is just around the corner, however, I am dreading that it will be blighted by the possibility of the Trial starting sooner rather than later. In the meantime it is just lovely to bask in the sunshine at last and hope that the future might be bright for everyone.
