It is spring here in the UK. It seems to have been a very, very long winter. I feel like a hibernating creature, finally waking up after a long winter's sleep and wandering blinking into the warm spring sunshine, soaking it up hungrily.
My journey with Michael has been the same,with the dark, dark blackness of the despair of his death and the awfulness of the circumstances surrounding it enveloping me, like a thick heavy coat, for months. It has acted like a sort of barrier - with the ordinariness of the outside world, seeming miles away from the strange life that was Michael Jackson's. It was a Pandora's Box, which I and many of my fellow fans opened to be greeted by conspiracy after conspiracy. The more you delved the more it sucked you in. There were things that you know you shouldn't really look at - The Autopsy Report - but were compelled to do so, only to be left reeling with nightmares for days after!! Then there was the constant gnawing anger and frustration of the futility of it all!! Especially living a gazillion miles away in the UK. Many of us have become nocturnal creatures, since the only time we can (as working wives and mothers) justifiably spend anytime at our laptops or computers is once the rest of the family is tucked up safely in bed!! Also communication with our American cousins is only really possible (especially with the Californian ones) after about 9pm at night - they are 9hrs behind us. So many nights have I crawled into bed at 2/3am in the morning!! Many have been turned into these nocturnal creatures owing to the constant nightmares and sheer despair that leave them unable to sleep!! I cannot help but find this so ironic, that here was our Idol who suffered dreadfully from a chronic sleep disorder, which ultimately killed him. Leaving the majority of his fans suffering the same!
I despair at our despair, since it is so difficult to get near family let alone the world to understand the mental torture we go through. As I write this it is the waiting which is affecting most of us....We try desperately to use our time wisely signing a petition here, writing a letter there and attending rallies. Because most of us feel so removed from our nearest and dearest, we crave the company of other fans, to be able to feel 'normal' again and speak to people who understand what we are going through and what we are talking about!! I have Skype installed on my laptop which enables me to talk to fellow fans around the world and it never ceases to amaze me!! The most frustrating thing is that we have no answers to a lot of questions, we may get some through the trial but I am not holding my breath. All this makes finding some sort of closure so, so difficult. There are times when I feel totally and utterly drained by it all and certainly in the darkest days felt like I was on some sort of conveyor belt, unable to get off and unsure as to what the final destination would be!
However, it is strange as we turned the corner from winter into spring so I feel that Michael is slowly leaving me...I can only describe it as looking at him through the wrong end of a telescope. I still love the very bones of the man and still will fight till the bitter end to get justice for him and the children, but like that hibernating animal I feel that I am finally coming back blinking into the sunshine of the real world. This Saturday (for the first time in a long while) I spent a whole day away from the laptop!! I distinctly remember listening to one of Cherokee Billies talks with Michael, when Michael stated that after a while he wouldnt be so easily contactable by herself and other Spiritualists since he would be moving away!! That did make me sad, saying that I feel that that is what is happening here with me, he is moving on!!!
My own life is a mess just now and I fee.l that Michael is telling me that it is time to sort it out!! I have done all I can for him!! My children need their Mum back and I need to sort things out with my husband and move on!! I need to find a 'proper job'.
The summer is just around the corner, however, I am dreading that it will be blighted by the possibility of the Trial starting sooner rather than later. In the meantime it is just lovely to bask in the sunshine at last and hope that the future might be bright for everyone.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Thursday, 25 March 2010
9 LONG MONTHS!!
I dont know about you but I cannot believe it is 9 months already!!
I am very saddened that at this time when we need more than ever to become united as a group, that there appears to be a lot of in-fighting, not only between fans on the forums but also between the two main groups vying for answers and 'justice for Michael'. To fans outside of all of this,it is very unsettling and sad that we of all people should be fighting amongst each other
My feelings about all of this?........Anger tends to be part of the grieving process and there are times recently when I have found myself thinking " Why Michael, why did you let yourself get into the postion where you were so vulnerable?", "Why did you let these people into your life?", "Why did you not look after yourself better?" and "Why did you push your family away?". Yes I do get angry at him just now because, somewhere along the line I feel that, he could have prevented this!! Also the waiting.....the interminable waiting.....for the 5th April and then god knows how long after that before it goes to Trial. Then there are still all the unanswered questions......All this takes a toll on us and that is why I believe we are turning on each other. I also have this other little voice in my head which is quietly saying that there are certain people to whom reports of fan fighting fan would be beneficial, especially with the 'justice4mj' group gaining strength day by day. To have us fighting each other might undermine this movement!
Yes it is also crazy that we have the TINI (This Is Not It) group battling the Justice4mj group but I think that a lot of that is a case of grabbing the limelight. I think I can safely talk for the j4mj group when I say that they are unconcerned about this particular aspect, since their sights are firmly set on getting the charges changed!! However I think the time is right for both groups to bury their differences and join forces!! Whether that will happen, time will tell. There certainly seem to be people out there who are 'rattled' by the increased success of the j4mj guys - the Mass Tweet that occurred on the 23rd (trial run for today) found #justice4mj being barred by Twitter for some reason!!!! I too have found when I have tried to promote today's event on other Forums, that I have been banned from posting the link!!! So we are definately becoming, if nothing else just now, that annoying itch which cant be scratched. So onwards and upwards!!
Plans are a foot as well for various events to mark the anniversary on the 25th June. I am proud and honoured to say that I am involved in the only one going ahead in London. Called 'The Event' it is being organised by Sherry Davies (Hi!!) and Elena Ionnadies who are the driving force behind www.michaeljackson-keepingthedreamalive.com. The have very kindly allowed me to speak about us, Michaels fans and my book (go to www.michaelbythefans.homestead.com, for details). I am so looking forward to this but know that I will need my waterproof mascara firmly in place and a very large box of handkies!!! What about everyone else here....how are you planning to spend that day? It is strange since it is a day I really dont want to arrive in one particular way (it only 13wks away, can you believe it!!). As I write I understand plans are afoot as well for a 'Tribute concert' to finally go ahead at Wembley Arena in London. Organised by Jermaine,it is to be on June 8th...I will be first in line for a ticket, I can assure you!!! Please Jermaine don't mess this one up......we need it so badly and the line up does look amazing. I think you can safely say you have got MJ's dream team there!!
So 9 months on....what else is new...Oh yes, Sony announces the biggest record deal in history!! Wonderful we can look forward to a NEW MJ album in November!!! Am I exstatic about this news....NO!!! Sorry Sony but I feel that they are laughing at us fans all the way to the bank!! Yes, I will admit here I am one of the ones, who firmly believe that the likes of Branca and Mottolla have Michael's blood all over their hands. Sony knows that inspite of how loud we howl about their involvement they are too big and too powerful to be caught with their pants down and so they brag about another money spinning excercise off of Michael's legacy ( because let's face it they still have Michael's master copies - they we due to hand them over to him on July 9th!!!) and they KNOW that we his fans will buy the CD's and DVD's they release, that we have no choice!! BUT WE DO!! We already have the best of Michael in our collections, do we need the rest!! Could we possibly wait and in the interim, give Sony the biggest CD launch flop in history!!! By doing so we would be telling them loud and clear that in fact it is us, Michael's fans who call the shots not them!!!! Just a thought!
Well I am off to practice my finger excercise ready for later on in the afternoon, lets just hope that Twitter will 'allow' us to "Tweet for Michael'. See you there guys!!
Keep the Faith
I am very saddened that at this time when we need more than ever to become united as a group, that there appears to be a lot of in-fighting, not only between fans on the forums but also between the two main groups vying for answers and 'justice for Michael'. To fans outside of all of this,it is very unsettling and sad that we of all people should be fighting amongst each other
My feelings about all of this?........Anger tends to be part of the grieving process and there are times recently when I have found myself thinking " Why Michael, why did you let yourself get into the postion where you were so vulnerable?", "Why did you let these people into your life?", "Why did you not look after yourself better?" and "Why did you push your family away?". Yes I do get angry at him just now because, somewhere along the line I feel that, he could have prevented this!! Also the waiting.....the interminable waiting.....for the 5th April and then god knows how long after that before it goes to Trial. Then there are still all the unanswered questions......All this takes a toll on us and that is why I believe we are turning on each other. I also have this other little voice in my head which is quietly saying that there are certain people to whom reports of fan fighting fan would be beneficial, especially with the 'justice4mj' group gaining strength day by day. To have us fighting each other might undermine this movement!
Yes it is also crazy that we have the TINI (This Is Not It) group battling the Justice4mj group but I think that a lot of that is a case of grabbing the limelight. I think I can safely talk for the j4mj group when I say that they are unconcerned about this particular aspect, since their sights are firmly set on getting the charges changed!! However I think the time is right for both groups to bury their differences and join forces!! Whether that will happen, time will tell. There certainly seem to be people out there who are 'rattled' by the increased success of the j4mj guys - the Mass Tweet that occurred on the 23rd (trial run for today) found #justice4mj being barred by Twitter for some reason!!!! I too have found when I have tried to promote today's event on other Forums, that I have been banned from posting the link!!! So we are definately becoming, if nothing else just now, that annoying itch which cant be scratched. So onwards and upwards!!
Plans are a foot as well for various events to mark the anniversary on the 25th June. I am proud and honoured to say that I am involved in the only one going ahead in London. Called 'The Event' it is being organised by Sherry Davies (Hi!!) and Elena Ionnadies who are the driving force behind www.michaeljackson-keepingthedreamalive.com. The have very kindly allowed me to speak about us, Michaels fans and my book (go to www.michaelbythefans.homestead.com, for details). I am so looking forward to this but know that I will need my waterproof mascara firmly in place and a very large box of handkies!!! What about everyone else here....how are you planning to spend that day? It is strange since it is a day I really dont want to arrive in one particular way (it only 13wks away, can you believe it!!). As I write I understand plans are afoot as well for a 'Tribute concert' to finally go ahead at Wembley Arena in London. Organised by Jermaine,it is to be on June 8th...I will be first in line for a ticket, I can assure you!!! Please Jermaine don't mess this one up......we need it so badly and the line up does look amazing. I think you can safely say you have got MJ's dream team there!!
So 9 months on....what else is new...Oh yes, Sony announces the biggest record deal in history!! Wonderful we can look forward to a NEW MJ album in November!!! Am I exstatic about this news....NO!!! Sorry Sony but I feel that they are laughing at us fans all the way to the bank!! Yes, I will admit here I am one of the ones, who firmly believe that the likes of Branca and Mottolla have Michael's blood all over their hands. Sony knows that inspite of how loud we howl about their involvement they are too big and too powerful to be caught with their pants down and so they brag about another money spinning excercise off of Michael's legacy ( because let's face it they still have Michael's master copies - they we due to hand them over to him on July 9th!!!) and they KNOW that we his fans will buy the CD's and DVD's they release, that we have no choice!! BUT WE DO!! We already have the best of Michael in our collections, do we need the rest!! Could we possibly wait and in the interim, give Sony the biggest CD launch flop in history!!! By doing so we would be telling them loud and clear that in fact it is us, Michael's fans who call the shots not them!!!! Just a thought!
Well I am off to practice my finger excercise ready for later on in the afternoon, lets just hope that Twitter will 'allow' us to "Tweet for Michael'. See you there guys!!
Keep the Faith
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